4th Graders are Crazy People

I don't usually sub 4th grade, but a while ago when I was done subbing junior high music class they asked me to fill in for an hour at the end of the day.  Here's what I learned.

I could never, NEVER teach 4th grade.

"But Taleen, why?," you ask innocently.  Let me tell you about a few incidents that happened during my time with the children.

"He tasered me!" | Yep, a kid ran into the closet doors and then explained that he had been tasered.  I knew that there was no way an actual taser was in the room without me knowing about it so I had to ask what that meant.  Turns out this is what children call pinching someone's sides so it tickles them.  The boys were given a talking to.

"I don't know how to do this." | Quote, every single child doing their math homework.  They just started doing two digit division and so some needed help.  This was fine, except I ended up helping every kid with every problem.  Or that's what it felt like at least.  I did feel like a genius though so that was pretty amazing.

"She called me lebanese....lesbin....lesbo...." | One girl accused another girl of being a lesbian, but the accused couldn't even pronounced the word.  I successfully kept from laughing, got the whole story out of them, and then explained how it's not nice to make accusations about people, especially when it's a misunderstanding.  The girls were forced to apologize to one another.

"I was just drawing his future." | A boy drew a picture of a person, and then a picture of a penis right next to it.  I wouldn't be shocked if when I subbed high school a kid drew a picture of a penis every day, and really, I could care less.  If you want to have penises drawn all over your property, that's your business.  But when you're in 4th grade, now I have to address it.  I asked the boy what he had done and he just continued to trace a circle around the person's face and say "I was just drawing his future."  I said, "I don't know what that means."  The boy had to erase everything.  I then explained that it's not ok to draw people's private parts unless it's for scientific purposes.  "Scientific purposes?," he asked.  "Yes," I said, "like if you're a scientist and it's for health reasons."  I then saw the boy's face twist up in deep thought and realized I had planted some idea in his head.  Probably not a good thing.

And all of this happened in 1 hour!  Could you imagine an entire day?  I swear there were 80 children in the room, they were that overwhelming.  I will say that the children were very helpful whenever I asked a question, and every single one was incredibly excited to help me any chance they got.  But still, I felt obligated to thank my 3rd grade teachers the next time I saw them for putting up with me in my youth.  Those women need to be canonized.