Here's some marriage advice for you. You're welcome.

I am currently going back to school and taking all online classes in order to be able to start classroom classes in the fall.  I love online classes because there is something strangely satisfying about writing discussion posts in your pajamas.  Also, they leave me time to watch the Today Show.

I know you think you don't care about this, but you're going to in a minute here.  Because the Today Show is where I learned the GREATEST MARRIAGE ADVICE OF ALL TIME!!!!  And now I'm passing it on.  

So here it is.  You and your spouse fight.  Like, all the time.  And you probably think your fighting is about money, or household chores, or in laws, or how much junk mail you get.  But you're wrong.  Your fighting is only about how you're not having enough sex. 

Obviously you cannot ask your spouse to have sex with you.  That is inappropriate and you are not to that level yet.  You're still only married.  But you want to stop fighting!  How are you going to solve this problem?!

Solution: beads.

Here is what you will do.  Buy a $40 kit that will supply you with a cup, 40 beads, and a book telling you how all of this is going to totally save your marriage.  The husband gets the beads and the wife gets the cup.  When the husband wants to have sex (because obviously the wife never wants sex), he puts a bead in the cup.  The wife then has 24 hours to have sex with him or their marriage will fail for eternity.  It's just like money!  You exchange a bead for a service.  I know it sounds like prostitution but it's totally different because when the husband puts the bead in the cup he also puts love in the cup.  All love belongs in cups. 

And now, your marriage is saved!  The wife has collected enough beads to make herself a necklace and the husband is having sex and now you are not fighting at all.  Everybody wins!

Note from me:  Everything written before this point was totally sarcastic, in case you couldn't tell.  I totally did see this on the Today Show, though, and the woman hawking the method was completely serious.  I didn't make up that part about the husband putting love in the cup.  She said that.  If you don't believe me, feel free to check out her website and realize that people really will buy absolutely anything.